very soon it’s going to happen…
I’m going to tell Funny Guy about the blog.
I can’t stand it anymore, having this secret from him.
ON THE MINUS SIDE
Yes, I’ll lose this ‘private space’ for talking about him.
If a crisis occurs in this relationship, I won’t be able to run it by my readers ‘privately.’
But ON THE PLUS SIDE
Really, after almost nine weeks of spending time with him, I ought to be able to run any crisis directly by Funny Guy himself. We talk very openly, and we have to continue doing that. And I do have a psychiatrist, though for various reasons I haven’t seen him for over a month.
And this is the real reason: I can’t stand having this secret from him (as I said above, in more or less these same words). I told Performer and Plan C about the blog much earlier in our relationships, and it didn’t affect my blogability.
I don’t know whether Funny Guy will read it or not, but I’ve got to tell him. It’s preying on my mind.
* * *
In fact, what I’d like to do is what I did in November 2007 with my friend Marion, namely, co-write a post with Funny Guy, after I’ve told him about the blog.
I think it would be fun if you heard his voice directly.
Now, whether he would agree to that, I don’t know.
Maybe not.
But depending on how things seem, and how he takes this bit of information, we might do it.
* * *
I’m thinking that I’ll tell him Friday, because then we’ll be spending a few days together, and I won’t have to be anxious about what he’s thinking, because he’ll be with me and he can tell me how he feels.
* * *
So whatever the result, this is something I have to do, and the sooner the better.
* * *
The next post should be interesting…………
* * *
UPDATE
11:49 PM Wednesday
Funny Guy just went home after watching the Tour de France highlights here.
As we were embracing goodnight (and talking), he said, You’re the most honest person on the planet.
All the more reason, I think, to tell him about the blog sooner (Friday) rather than later (in 3 weeks), though my commenters think otherwise.
And believe me, I take you guys seriously…
* * *
After our conversations tonight (during the commercials; Funny Guy loves the Tour de France, and it’s fun to watch it with him; far more interesting, I have to say, than the tedious golf tournaments I watched with Plan C; a fast sport is more exciting to watch), I think I can anticipate a little better Funny Guy’s response. He sees me as bruised by a lot of bad treatment at the hands of men, and he wants to ‘make it up’ to me. (I saw myself more in terms of the bad choices I’d made…duh.) He thinks I’m braced for something bad to happen with him, from him; that I’m super cautious, always expecting that he’ll be angry or irritated — when he never is, or at least hasn’t been yet.
Thus, I think, he’ll see my dithering over this matter, when I tell him about it, as an inner debate about how much self-protection I need. To wait till three months, to delay telling him about it, is to preserve a space of privacy away from him, a space I might need if something unpleasant happens; whereas to tell him sooner is to act with more faith in him.
Of course (from the practical point of view) I believe that telling Performer and Plan C about the blog, which I did much earlier in our relationships, had no significant effect on those relationships. Telling them was probably a sign of trust, misplaced in the case of Performer, but ultimately it made no difference whatsoever.
* * *
My own feeling is this: I’m simply no longer comfortable with having the blog a secret from him.
* * *
July 8, 2009 at 11:03 pm
Loyal readers demand to hear his voice! Tell him that!
July 8, 2009 at 11:14 pm
Speaking as a guy, you have nothing cringeworthy here, however (read: would be a buzzkill to the wave you’re riding now).
July 8, 2009 at 11:27 pm
TS, I’ll tell him. And good to hear *your* voice, whoever you are!
Sonny, I think I need to consult urbandictionary.com to get that final phrase…which sounds slightly like a mixed metaphor (no problem), unless a buzzkill is something nautical.
July 9, 2009 at 2:18 am
I think I’d hold off. There’s a fair amount of your inner voice here. Why not keep some things private to keep things interesting? I think that’s what Sonny means in the comment above. Just another stranger’s opinion!
July 9, 2009 at 3:25 am
I think you should wait until the crucial THREE MONTH mark.
July 9, 2009 at 3:57 am
Christine, my inner voice is telling me 2 things! that’s the problem with it: it’s ambivalent. And although I’ve looked up ‘buzzkill,’ I thought Sonny’s message could mean, there’s nothing in the blog about Funny Guy that would ruin the happy relationship we have. —– ??
PT, well, I could do that, but I’m having the telling-him-about-the-blog conversation in my head so many times every day that it’s awfully distracting.
July 9, 2009 at 6:13 pm
Mimi, You are right on about Sonny’s meaning (your relationship is giving you a “buzz” or a high right now and if something goes awry by you telling FG about the blog, the buzz could die or be “killed”).
I’m like you- I have to be honest with myself and with those I’m close with. Sometimes to a fault. But if I’m holding something important back, it taints everything with a dishonest hue.
You know in your gut that it’s right to tell him, so go with that. And hearing that he sees you as having been mishandled by men in the past, you could certainly tell him that the blog has been a useful tool to help you sort out your thoughts from your emotions and stay sane while dating. Who could argue with that?
Good luck and I can’t wait to hear about how it goes.
July 9, 2009 at 6:21 pm
Hey checking in again. Sorry, sometimes I’m a little loose with the metaphors.
In re: buzzkill, I just meant that, assuming you do (if you hadn’t already) tell FG about the blog, some of the stuff is about him, et cetera, then most likely he’ll read it. And when that happens, if he does, then there’s nothing written here that sounds unfair, mean, malicious, whatever you want to call it, that’d undo the positive swing you’ve been on with FG for the past nine weeks.
That’s basically what I meant. People have variegated lives and the smart ones are capable of making honest assessments about that. Your blog reflects that, I think. I did think you were too easy on him on the phone message stuff, however, and was trying to find a polite way to say that.
Peace/good luck,
SA
July 9, 2009 at 6:23 pm
I also don’t think the revelation of the blog will make a bit of difference to your relationship with FG.
But I still think you should wait until the crucial three month mark. That is when the ground settles and the relationship is cemented, or not. The relationship can change substantially before the three month mark, but is unlikely to change substantially after it.
Basically, at some point you will know whether FG is going to be the last guy you ever date. It changes from “hope” to “know.” At this point, it is still that you hope he will be the last guy. After three months, you will know whether he is.
So I still think you should wait for the three months — patience is a virtue!
July 9, 2009 at 7:34 pm
DT, yes, he is bound to see how useful the blog has been over 2.5 years (almost) in helping me process 57 men in my mind…And he’ll also sympathize, I think, with my inability to keep it secret from him any longer. And in addition, he’ll understand my reluctance to tell him too soon.
Sonny, gotcha! And about the phone thing: he has deleted the offending message.
PT, in my relationships with Performer and with Plan C, the three-month marker meant nothing, because both relationships were finito three months later. I’m basing this decision not on anything numerical but on the nature of our private conversations and on the burden this secret has become for me.
July 9, 2009 at 10:46 pm
It sounds to me as if you and FG have reached a place in your relationship where you tell him everything, and you will feel dishonest if you don’t tell him about this now. But, speaking as one who has been there before, giving up that “private space” is hard on you (and the blog) in the long run. You can never get the feeling of total telling-it-like-it-is back once you do, and guaranteed you will miss it one day, even if he is the last guy you ever date. That’s just the way it works. I can see that for you the benefits outweigh the liabilities of letting the cat out of the bag and besides I think your mind is made up anyway, so just do it! I’m sure your commenters will let you know if your voice changes for the worse. Can’t wait to hear how it goes down…
July 9, 2009 at 11:30 pm
But J, I told Performer & Plan C about the blog at a much earlier stage, knowing them only a few weeks, and continued writing the blog just as I had before.
Telling them didn’t affect the blog or either relationship at all; I mean, the fact that they didn’t last beyond 6 months had nothing to do with the blog, and everything to do with the presence (actual in one case, ghostly in the other) of *wives.*
In both cases I just kept right on as if the ‘private space’ were still entirely private. It’s not as if the blog my readers have been reading were secret from those two men, because it wasn’t.
If I don’t tell Funny Guy tomorrow, I will be entirely preoccupied with this subject every time I write a post. I need my own freedom back! I’ll be uncomfortable until I’m open with him about this.
July 9, 2009 at 11:41 pm
ADDITION (from emails to friends who have written me privately)
I know Funny Guy, and if I’m not mistaken, he will appreciate my discomfort with keeping this from him.
In fact, that discomfort and the opening up to him about this will confirm for him that I am the person he thinks I am, namely honest and open. — I couldn’t never-tell him, and to postpone telling him might in the long run, when all is revealed, suggest that I’m secretive, and I’m not.
If the great value here is the relationship, not the blog, then the best thing I can do is tell him about it. Even if, as you suggest, I stopped the blog altogether, it would still be something I would want him to know about. —— I actually don’t think it will be that big a deal for him, and further, I think he’ll be touched that I’m telling him.
July 10, 2009 at 12:23 am
I’m not saying that the blog will change your relationship for better or worse, but rather that you and the blog will have to compromise in some way when FG knows about it. BTW, telling Plan C did change your blog, Mimi. After he became aware of it, you didn’t continue writing ‘just as you had before’, because Plan C made you promise not to mention certain things about him in your writing. True, maybe you might not have written about them anyway, but there was a restriction placed upon you, and that’s what you lose – the freedom to say whatever you feel like saying about the man you love with no repercussions. What if FG, for instance, asks you to never write about his head of thick wavy hair? We would all be deprived from this point on of seeing and hearing about how lovely his hair looks and feels to you! Of course I’m being silly here, but you get the idea.
I so enjoy everything you write, so I’m sure the blog will be as good as ever, but it *will* be affected, and that is the point. Your relationship is of great value to you, and I agree that it should be your highest priority now, so follow your heart and do your best. I wish you great happiness!
July 10, 2009 at 1:53 am
Well, I’ll never forget what Plan C said when he heard about the blog: “nothing about what happens in bed.” (See post for June 16, 2007, which quotes that sentence, though he had said it back in February.)
That was his only “restriction,” and actually, if you read the whole blog up to that point (this is if you’re looking for summer reading….), you’ll see that even *before* he said that, I never went into pornographic detail about “what happens in bed.” Read about the sex with Performer and you’ll see I was never explicit.
It was at this point that I began writing ?!!#@%$A^&*@&!^%!! to indicate sexual activity…
So actually, the only change was that series of symbols. If you reread the posts for late June 2008, when things began to fall apart with Plan C, you’ll see that — well actually, no reader could tell, but I can tell you that I was entirely honest and “withheld nothing” !
Also, I mentioned various times in the blog over the summer that I was planning to break up with him, and when I did, it came as a surprise to him. I had been completely honest about that issue in the blog.
In conclusion (!): telling Plan C about the blog made no difference at all in the way I wrote the blog.
And it made no dif in the relationship either: the reason it didn’t last had much more to do with Plan C’s continued mourning for his late wife (that’s shorthand for complex related issues).
********
Now, what the result will be with Funny Guy, I have no idea, but for my own peace of mind I have to do it.
So we’ll see………….
July 10, 2009 at 4:34 am
Mimi, to clarify: it is not that the relationship tends to last for three months. It is that, at three months, you know whether or not it will last.
If I recall correctly, right around 3 1/2 months with Plan C, you started expressing doubts. I don’t remember for Pervformer, but I would not be surprised if, right around three months, you began having doubts, even if you were reluctant to admit them to yourself.
July 10, 2009 at 8:49 am
Personally, I think you should just go for it. I have stopped blogging the intimate details of my sex life and my writing has taken a different tone but I’m all the better for it! I think honesty is the best policy really and I do believe that if you wait too long that FG might wonder what else you might be hiding from him. I think in all matters you need to follow your heart. If your heart is telling you to tell him, then tell him. I won’t wish you luck because I don’t believe you need it.
July 10, 2009 at 11:27 am
PT & Suzanne – this evening! that’s when.
July 10, 2009 at 4:11 pm
Damn. Gotta wait another day for the outcome.
Back tomorrow. Heh.
July 10, 2009 at 6:56 pm
Sonny, with company tonight and visiting friends for the weekend, not sure when I’ll be back with the news,
but it will be ASAP. Wonderful how one’s social life doubles with a partner….
July 11, 2009 at 6:46 pm
Coo. Mario Cantone said it best: “DETAILS!!!”