the motown date

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The motown date…
…had less motown and more groping than I had anticipated; or wanted.

* * *

In the midst of dancing with SDF in my living room, about ten or fifteen minutes after he had arrived, I was thinking to myself: how will I blog this date? what will I say? is there any hope here?

I’m afraid not, I answered myself.

Even thinking about blogging the date helped me to process it, when it had barely begun.

* * *

THE GOOD THINGS

1) he sliced tomatoes well.
Instead of going out somewhere to dance, we had decided to ‘practice’ first in my apartment, to determine how our different ‘dancing styles’ worked together. Then we decided not to go out anywhere — it was getting late — and to eat in. He suggested we call out for food, but — anticipating this moment — I had bought some cherry tomatoes and a few other little things. I organized a meal of fettucini (already had it) and freshly grated romano cheese with thinly sliced tomatoes. I asked SDF to slice the tomatoes, which he did happily and well, first asking which direction I wanted them sliced. Because my ex-husband had always been exceedingly fussy about the way pasta was cooked, and because Performer was fussy about everything to do with food, I asked SDF how he felt about pasta, and he answered something like, ‘I’m not fussy about food,’ a phrase that was music to my ears.

So it was fun standing there side by side in my small kitchen, SDF slicing the tomatoes and me grating the cheese. It wasn’t cosily domestic, but it was relaxing (probably especially relaxing for me, because I had given him something else to do with his hands — but more of that later).

We also had shredded zuccini and yellow squash, dunked in boiling water for a moment and then tossed in olive oil, salt and pepper.

SDF had brought with him a 750ml bottle of Gruet Brut “Méthode Champenoise” — not really Champagne, I’ve just learned from the web, but a very good substitute. It was empty by the end of the evening: I drank about 3 ounces of it. And SDF was not drunk; he carries his liquor well.

2) SDF has lots of friends, family, and co-workers, with all of whom he seems to be on good terms. They featured often in his conversation. That’s one thing I’ve come to look for in a first-date conversation: is his side of it ‘populated’ ? do lots of proper names come up in his anecdotes ? does he appear to like people, to get along with them, or does he have unpleasant stories about ‘the time I was right and So-and-So was wrong’ or ‘why I’m not on speaking terms with my son’ etc. etc. ?

SDF passed this unofficial test with flying colors.

3) It was my general impression that SDF was an honest, decent, modest, easy-going person, and he had a warm smile. Of course such judgments after a second-date may be meaningless, but there they are. From what I’ve read about him on the web, he does very well in his job, for which he has received much public praise, and when anything related to it comes up in the news, SDF is interviewed by the New York Times, which has often quoted him. He seemed to have (sorry, cliche) ‘good values.’

4) He’s smart. We did finally have that Hillary-or-Obama conversation that everyone I know seems to be having these days, and he discussed that choice on a very high level in an informed way.

THE NOT-SO-GOOD THINGS

I’m not sure why I made that plural, because it’s really just one, one really important, not-so-good thing.

At that moment I mentioned at the beginning of this post, when I was already experiencing disappointment in SDF, he was pawing and groping me in a way that can only be called adolescent. (This was all taking place while we were dancing.) I found myself thinking of Performer and how much better, on our first date, he understood when was a good time to make the first move.

You know if I’m thinking anything positive about Performer — and I couldn’t help myself; he came to mind, because he was the last man I had any kind of sexual relationship with — things are not good, and I’m being entirely honest. I was shocked that I had a positive thought about him, but I knew there was a meaning there I had to figure out.

It’s not that, god knows, I didn’t think something sexual of some kind or another would happen during the evening, but I thought that so soon after his arrival — about fifteen minutes — and before any significant conversational exchange had taken place, was way too soon.

Perhaps this is a ‘duh!’ point to make, but conversation is really important to me. We had good talk at various points in the evening, over dinner and late at night, between about 12:30 and 1:30 intermittently, but I felt discombobulated by the pawing & groping that had taken place earlier and continued when we danced after dinner. My reaction was both polite (too polite, evidently) and light-hearted: I kept moving out of his grasp, re-tying my shrug that he had just untied etc. , all the while smiling.

He smiled too; but he should have gotten the message.

And I should have given it directly, though you would think body language (e.g. moving his hands, moving myself away, refastening my bra) would have sufficed.

I did give the message directly later in the evening — after midnight. But I couldn’t bring myself to articulate (earlier) the following: SDF, please stop doing that. It’s too early (meaning, both too early in the evening and too early in the relationship).

* * *

Later, after midnight, when we had stopped replacing the cds and were alternately kissing and talking, he said, ‘How does it feel to be a woman whom men are trying to get their hands all over?’ or words to that effect.

Clearly, he had had a flash of insight and was beginning to identify with my resistance, or at least to try to understand it.

What I didn’t say, and perhaps should have, is that no other man (30 besides him) ‘behaved’ (the only word I can think of) that way.

The other men (in my post-June 2006 - dating-life) with whom anything sexual happened — sleeping with (3) or making out (1) — didn’t make advances that were repulsed. Or to put it another way, I never repulsed any of their advances, but if I had, I’m sure they would have stopped at once and not persevered.

I’m sure you’re getting a terrible impression of SDF, and it’s hard to convey what he’s like. He really wasn’t terrible. I know if I had seemed genuinely upset, he would have ceased his efforts. I was laughing and taking it lightly (while repulsing his advances), but inwardly I was sad that this relationship was not going to work. His affection was almost puppyish: he was sort of like a dog who keeps jumping on you and being too friendly. He must not have realized that (as I myself didn’t altogether figure out or conclude till he had left) he was thereby ruining the relationship that might have been.

* * *

SDF has been apart from his ex-wife for a year, but has had I think only had 6 internet dates. He discusses his romantic life with a woman colleague a little older who is also internet-dating. He had told her (beforehand) about his second date with me; if he tells her about it afterwards, in all its details,I bet she’ll tell him he made some mistakes. She sounded sophisticated… more so than he is.

* * *
You’re wondering why the hell I didn’t just tell him directly Stop the groping, SDF! as soon as it began, or after a few minutes of it.

I’ve just figured that out: it’s that I couldn’t quite give up my idea of him as a really good possibility, a viable date who might turn into a relationship, even a long-term one. In his presence, I couldn’t confirm for myself the disconnect between the man I had thought and had hoped he was, and the man he apparently was. And that ‘confirmation’ was made more difficult by the fact that he was easy-going and pleasant and simply had no idea how annoying he was being or how destructive to any future his behavior was.

Last week, after the fiasco of my appointment with ‘the tardy psychiatrist’, I wrote in my post, Although I couldn’t have said it for sure till the moment I was outside on the street again, I knew it absolutely without a single doubt then: never, never would I see this psychiatrist again. Clearly, I need to have solitude and space, however briefly, to know my own mind.

BITS OF OUR CONVERSATION ON THE SOFA, AFTER MIDNIGHT

SDF to me, over and over: You’re so sexy.

* * *

(in the midst of a relatively long conversational interlude)

ME: Well, since we’re being so honest, tell me what my dancing was like.

SDF: It was passable.

ME: What was wrong with it?

SDF: You’re too stiff. You don’t move freely enough.

ME Well, that’s very interesting. You’re probably right. That makes sense to me. My teacher never says that, of course, because it’s not in his interest to talk that way to me. And he sees small bits of improvement. And also, over the course of a lesson, I loosen up. But we were changing styles here, so I couldn’t really loosen up in any one of them.

(And also, of course, though I didn’t say it, a lot of my energy was being devoted to fending off his advances.)

* * *

Before he left, we made a movie date for next Saturday. I wonder if it will happen. SDF is an emailer, and I haven’t heard from him at all today (Sunday). I wonder what he’s thinking, and if he has any notion at all that he messed things up between us.

And do I want a movie date with him? What would be the point, except to tell him afterwards why I didn’t want to date him again? Not that I want to be didactic about it, but he would indeed ‘learn something’ if I told him what I felt, more than the polite and fairly brief comments I made about this subject while we were on the sofa.

* * *

After he left, I kept asking myself, Could this possibly work? is there any chance? do I like him enough? or is he just too uncouth? and is he interesting enough to me?

I realized that to help me figure out what I thought, I was spontaneously thinking of two men with more polish, RS (Rolly’s shrink, who has agreed to take me on) and, oddly enough, Performer. He’s still at the top of my shitlist, but I was trying to remember what his degree of polish was like, and it was definitely higher — high enough that I didn’t think of it as a category, as alas I did with SDF, who nevertheless is ‘nicer’ and easier to get on with than Performer.

But.

Movie or not, there’s no future here. This is not going to work.

* * *

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