a pep talk and sound advice before tuesday evening’s date

ADVICE FOR TUESDAY EVENING’S DATE W.RB (dinner at a restaurant followed by l’apres-diner in his apartment):

Remember Roy’s Rules –

– be fun. Be the kind of woman the man wants to see again, because she’s fun.

– don’t fret / be nudgy about ‘the relationship’ and where it’s going, what it’s like, blah blah blah. Just put all that out of your mind.

and some special rules for tomorrow –

– Act from strength, from independence, from self-sufficiency: you’re fine as you are. Remember your confidence and pleasure in your work, and let that carry you through. Don’t worry about RB – if you’re right for one another, things will work out, and if you’re not, they won’t. C’est ça.

– There are a lot of red flags about you…..Hide Them. Don’t talk about any of your exes, or you’ll be waving those red flags. Or if you have to, be light and brief. This is important.

– Hide your anxieties. You have so many of them…try to forget them for a few hours, okay?

– Take your cues from him; if his lightness at some point diminishes a bit and he gets more serious, take your tone from him.

And finally —

Less is More.

Don’t overstay your welcome.

Leave by 11:30 pm; leave him wanting more.

That’s important. That’s where you’re weak – So Don’t Forget This.

* * *

A note to those who are worried that I’ve planned to visit the apartment of a man I’ve never met:

1. I don’t have to. If during dinner I feel any anxiety on this point, of course I can change my mind.

2. Remember, remember: professional men in their 70s who are worth their salt have a significant web presence. I know all about his late wife, his famous son, and his grandchildren. His alma mater talks about him proudly. He’s a public personage. His name is all over the New York Times archives, in letters to the editor, the announcements of his engagement, his marriage, and his son’s birth, and many other features & articles. Over dinner we’ll probably discover people we know in common, in spite of the age difference, because his school and my school are sort of in the same orbit. He has only been a widower briefly. He’s a mover-and-shaker in Manhattan. He’s not a criminal. If I get criminal vibes over dinner, obviously the plans will change. But I’d eat my (rain)hat if that were the case.

* * *

REMEMBER THE PAST AND DON’T REPEAT IT: TAKE HEED

How many times did you think this before, in your recent dating experience: this guy is going to be The One ?

1.– Kevin What’s His Name, late July 2006 – and boy oh boy were you wrong.

2. – Andrew, weekend after Labor Day, 2006, and boy were you disappointed – and confused.

3. –Sam, October 2006 – you wanted him to be The One but you came to that conclusion too late to act on it.

4.– And then once you started dating Rolly, Oct/Nov/Dec 2006, you thought he was The One – briefly you thought it, that is.

5.– And then before you actually met Yellow-Tie, 6 January 2007, when you were in the same silly email-flirtation mode that you’re now in w. RB, you thought there was maybe a possibility of Yellow-Tie’s being The One.

6. - And remember x, late May/early June 2007? how excited and nervous you were before that date, because after those weeks of flirtation over email and one or two phone conversations you thought he would be The One?

7.– And then the weekend before you met Man1 (Monday 25 June 2007) and Performer (Tuesday 26 June 2007), you said to yourself, or maybe even blogged, One of these two is going to be The One; I’m tired of dating.

Okey dokey so that’s seven men so far (RB will be the 29th man I’ve dated in this phase, ergo about 27.5% of the time I’ve been certain that this guy will be The One), and now I’ve let myself be bowled over by RB’s email fantasies, which are to a large extent playful and light, as he’s well aware, but he has set me spinning in fantasy-mode.

And the problem is, certainly for the last 4 or 5 of these occasions, I’ve known full well how stupid it is to let myself believe in these fantasies, and yet each time I’ve also thought, on a separate track of my mind, I was wrong those other times, but this time I’m actually right, because I’m wiser and I know more now and I won’t make the same mistake again. This guy, for sure, is the right one.

So you see, the wisdom and the faith in fantasy co-exist, every time.

In spite of all I’ve written here, a very strong part of me fully believes that RB will be The One.

How can I not learn???

Well all I can say is, Achtung.

I’m fighting it as best I can, the impulse to fantasize, idealize, plan the rest of my life around a man I haven’t met, who writes me this morning, dangerously, “I think I may be falling in love……with your mind and wit for starters.”

He’s an experienced businessman, an executive, and he’s no dumby. He’s ready to turn your relationship from romance to friendship very quickly if things don’t work out. You’ll be more disappointed than he will.

At any rate, in 24 hours or so, you’ll meet him and see if there’s any romantic future in this.

For your sake I hope there is, but do the best you can to control your fantasies now, before you meet.

Okay?

Never too old to get sensible.

Love and good luck from your alter-ego.

* * *
UPDATE
Midnight.

Now, having written all that, I can see many ways why RB may not be suitable for me: too jolly, too much the public man, not as interested in nuance as I am — everything in broad brushstrokes.

I have a feeling I’m constructing him as the opposite of Performer, whose emails (before we met) were all high and lofty and serious (and tedious, but I didn’t think so then). RB is all jokey. Well, at least I’m no longer persuaded he’s The One! that was easy.

Now, if only he could be….!

* * *
Fortunately I don’t have much longer to waste time on these speculations.

* * *
7:38 a.m.
In 12 hours I’ll be able to put a stop to these anxious fantasies. I’ll have met him, and I’ll be disappointed, or expectant, or anything other than — wasting time, as I am now.

3:12 pm
UPDATE of the UPDATE

Fantasies aside, I’m in a foul mood, because it has been one of those days when everything goes wrong and is irritating, most of all a computer snafu.

I was wondering which friend I could phone to get myself in a good mood again, but I don’t think that’s the way to go.

I think I’ll just take a nap….and tell myself that if the attraction is going to be there, it will be there, regardless of my mood.

And of course I can cover it or dispel it a bit…..but I think a nap, to be awakened by NPR w. the New Hampshire news, will restore my usual cheer.

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