the last post of the year: get out your kleenex

Or is it kleenexes?

Kleenices?

Tissues.

Well whatever it is, I need ‘em. And you might, too.

* * *

I just wanted to say a bloggy thank you to two old friends who rescued me on the two major holidays this season: to Marion (friend of 43 years) who changed her plans to come for Christmas at a moment’s notice, after I phoned her with my news; and to R (friend of 47 years — god that’s almost half a century), who (with her family) is taking me in for New Year’s Eve.

* * *
As Performer paused for breath, two weeks ago today, in the middle of dumping me to return to his fat ugly wife, I put two curses on him. I didn’t realize I was so influenced by ancient forms of thought. I mean, I know all about cursing people of course, but that I would actually put a curse on someone at a time of emotional stress, without forethought — I would never have guessed it.

So what were they, you’re asking?

First, I cursed him with impotence. He sort of shrugged his shoulders and guessed it would be with Becky about what it had been with me (maybe 59% of the time….or do I err?? well, I didn’t keep track, so I couldn’t say).

Then, I cursed him with his children’s behavior: I said I hoped they would give him a difficult, terrible, time and make him miserable.

* * *

That’s not impossible; the son, age 14, has many, many problems — psychiatric, behavioral, emotional — for which professional help has been barely adequate. He’s on a ton of medication, and when he doesn’t take it, he’s a basketcase.

The daughter, almost 12, is twice the size of the son (who has not yet reached puberty) and was fully developed with all the “secondary sex characteristics” (do they still call them that?) at age 11. On our first date, Performer referred to her as a “diva” personality, an oblique way of saying she’s often a pain in the ass. In the summer of ‘06 she was kicked out of camp, and in the summer of ‘07 she left camp after 2 weeks.

Neither daughter nor son has very many friends at school.

How are these kids going to manage, thrown loose in New York (they’ve been living in New Hampshire) next year?

* * *
Well, however they manage, I hope they give Performer and Becky a really hard time. Of course the curse was not on the children themselves; it was on P. I trust his blood pressure (which he credited me for lowering) will rise to stroke-level and well beyond as his children live out their teenage years.

* * *
I should have cursed his “reconciliation” (not a marriage; they’re planning to stay divorced…) with Becky also, but hey, I’m amazed I was compus mentis enough to think of cursing and to come up with those two.

* * *
I guess you haven’t used your kleenex yet…

* * *
I’ve had three dates with two new men since the end of Performer (four dates with three men if you count the post-colonoscopy date with Rolly)
and neither man was — well, let’s just say there were no sparks. At this point I know almost all the men whose profiles appear in my search on jdate (at least seven men from my pre-Performer dating have contacted me again, all but one [Man1] having forgotten our date or our phone conversation), and I know almost all the ones on match.com. And it’s the feeling that I may already have exhausted all the available supply, that I have no future as someone’s permanent partner, that is making this
year end, for me, on a less than positive note.

* * *
That’s the get-out-your-kleenex moment; worse for me than it is for you.

In case by some chance clarification is needed: god knows it’s not that I want Performer back. I’m not insane. And it’s not that I wish him ill; I wish him disaster — in all areas of his life.

It’s that I feel there’s no one left out there for me, at least no one to whom I have easy access online.

* * *

And so I’m especially looking forward to New Year’s Eve with R and her family, because for a few hours I can hear and engage in lively, pleasant conversation and not wallow in self-pity.

* * *
To all my friends in the blogosphere, which seems less virtual and more actual to me, the more time I spend in it: good wishes and good luck and Happy New Year’s.

Mimi

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