Lies, Lies, Lies
Hi, Adele! Hi, Joanna! Hi, Harvey! Hi, Jules!
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Those are the friends (a cellist, an old friend married to a pianist, his brother, and his therapist) to whom Performer sent my blog-address, asking them to read my blog and see what they thought of it — and me. He has been discussing with them the matter of his return to his ex-wife, getting them in on the decision.
Joanna told him she was surprised such a “serious” relationship could be found on the Internet.
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Yes indeed! Imagine: a real person, not just sex-for-pay, “found on the Internet”!
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But not serious enough, apparently, to be treated with honesty, decency, integrity.
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Here’s what a close friend and regular blog-reader wrote me:
‘you seemed to be his “bit on the side.” ‘
How right she is — way off to the side.
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Previous post announces the end of the relationship with Performer, who is returning to the wife from whom he was divorced a few weeks ago.
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Here are some of the recent “Lies, Lies, Lies”:
ONE
I spent Thursday night (December 13) at his apartment. He told me he had lessons to give (he’s a violinist) at 10,11, 12, 1, 2, 3, and 4 on Friday, so he had to get up early and I had to get out early.
Ha!
Gullible me; I should have been suspicious: he never, never gives that many lessons in a single day or in a row.
Au contraire: he spent the day frantically filling out application forms for private schools — Friday December 14 was apparently the deadline for most of them, for the school year beginning September ‘08 — for his children, who are moving back to New York, to his apartment, with his (ex)wife, in June.
I should also have been suspicious because he didn’t answer my emails that day, and he is a serious emailer.
TWO
When he came to my apartment last night, Sunday, to tell me the news, that he and his recently-ex-wife were getting back together, he said that that had been in the works since the day before Thanksgiving.
When I asked, quite naturally, why he hadn’t mentioned that rather important fact to me, he said that until she and the children arrived Friday night (December 14), he hadn’t been sure it was going to happen. He had to see her again, he said, after she had suggested the reunion.
But if he wasn’t sure, then why was he sending out applications to private schools all day Friday?
And anyway, he already had seen her since she had suggested the reunion, because he was up visiting them, in New Hampshire, where they live, the very weekend after Thanksgiving.
He had spent two nights there that weekend.
THREE
Two weeks ago he got rid of the old couch in one of the extra bedrooms in his (very large) apartment, a room that has been used as a television/movie room.
He moved the bed his daughter Rachel had been sleeping on (in a shared bedroom with her brother — she is almost 12, he is 14) into that room.
When I asked, was he going to get a new couch or sleep sofa or something for that room, he said no, putting me off with some comment about maybe buying chairs.
Obviously, ever since Thanksgiving he has been preparing the apartment for the time when his family returns to live there.
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I believe “tissue of lies” is the term usually used for this kind of situation.
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You know, I have never, ever constructed such an elaborate “web of deceit,” “tissue of lies,” “tangled web,” for anyone, in any area of my life. If I needed to lie so much, I’d just leave the relationship or whatever it was I was lying about. What’s the point?
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I guess the point, in his case at least, was “having it all,” having sex with me before his ex-wife returns to live with him on a regular basis.
Although he told me, when I asked, that they had not yet slept together, i.e. not in the past few weeks, I think I’d be an idiot to believe that.
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So that’s what I was, the “bit on the side.”
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P.S. — for your amusement: he queried my use of the word ‘unethical’ to describe his behavior; said it wasn’t appropriate! 
December 17, 2007 at 6:23 pm
Oh Mimi, I’m so sorry . Reading about this makes me sick to my stomach. How awful. When I discovered the web of lies Naval A-hole was telling me, I had the same reaction - WHY ALL THE LIES! JUST BREAK IT OFF! The answer is simple - pure cowardice and selfishness. But that doesn’t help with the pain I’m sure. Please accept my virtual hugs…DT
December 17, 2007 at 7:18 pm
thank you so much, dt, for yr kind words. i think you’re precisely right when you say ‘cowardice and selfishness.’ Precisely. I might add ‘piggishness’ as a sub-category of selfishness in his case. amazing how comforting the words of friends i’ve never met, friends in the blogosphere, can be: i accept yr virtual hugs! - mimi
December 17, 2007 at 8:25 pm
You are so perceptive (it’s obvious from the blog) that the Performer must have been incredibly skillful to pull off this complicated masquerade.
I think “unethical” is throwing roses at it. He’s an immoral, self-satisfied, manipulative egotist.
And I hope his friends and relations all read THIS.
December 17, 2007 at 8:40 pm
all my readers are so accurate and smart in their diagnoses: why wasn’t i??
yes, ‘immoral, self-satisfied manipulative egotist’ is really more accurate than you could possibly know, because you haven’t met him. if you had heard him talking to me yesterday evening, defending and rationalizing his behavior, those are precisely the words you would have used. and yes, he acted outraged at the word ‘unethical,’ as if such a word couldn’t possibly apply to a sincere, well-meaning person like himself….
December 17, 2007 at 9:02 pm
You are well rid of such an immature and duplicitous creature. Note use of the word “creature” in all of its subhuman connotations. He is staying with his kids because he is still an adolescent himself, one who clearly has no capacity for being responsible and honest in an adult way. I recall the lie he wanted to “perform” to his kids at thanksgiving. His life is clearly one big, empty lie. A definitive characteristic of becoming an adult is accepting responsibility and being honest with oneself and others. He is living in a narcissistic fantasyland, and his ego needs to face the pathetic person he really is. He has no identity of his own (another requisite of being human and an adult) and feeds off women for some sense of purpose in his life.
His obvious need to keep his options open indicates how insecure and powerless he feels. Hence his need for life-as-a-charade, rather than an authentic existence. He is the ultimate “Performer” in the worst sense of artistic sham and con artist.
December 17, 2007 at 10:10 pm
thank you, anonymous! after the last 3 comments, i’m beginning to be 1) appalled that i didn’t notice all this much, much earlier and 2) relieved that — however unpleasant the method, and it wasn’t fun — i am rid of him forever.
December 18, 2007 at 1:48 am
I thought it was mean of Mitchell to publicize the names of the baseball players who used steroids, but now I find I want you to expose the Performer so that we can all boycott his “Performances”. Maybe you were unconsciously aware of his inauthenticity when you named him “the Performer”. Try to remember that just because he or his friends saw you as “a bit on the side” that doesn’t have to define you for yourself. You get to decide who you were in this relationship and what it means. I’m sorry you feel so bad now and am glad you have good friends and family to support you-as well as this blog community that you created.
December 18, 2007 at 2:22 am
I have found that many men (and lets face it, women too) have a hard time doing the Right Thing–especially when sex is involved. In fact, I haven’t met a man who is up front and honest in the ways we would want them to be (and in the ways we hope we would be if the situation was reversed). At best, he was a coward. At worst, he was (is) a duplicitous ass. (I am so steamed!)
Perhaps this is the time to pop that vintage coca cola?
December 18, 2007 at 2:27 am
Oh Mimi,
I’m so sorry to hear this - you have been treated badly, and you deserve to mourn it and to be angry, but you shouldn’t allow a shred of self-doubt to sneak in there, and you shouldn’t blame yourself for not noticing sooner. You were in love with him, and it’s right and good to be trusting and open in a love relationship, as he should respect those who love him well enough to deserve trust. I know that he’s hurt you, but he ought to be ashamed of himself, for he has used trust you placed in him to salve his own transition time, and I hope he eventually sees that lying to you about where his heart was at was, indeed, unethical.
And in the meantime, hold your wonderful head up high, and continue to be as open to experience as you have been these last months when you have written about your life. Because that openness is lovely and rare, and no confused violinist ought to be allowed to cloud it. So don’t let him, ok?
Oh, and here are some definitions of unethical; looks to me like you had him pegged:
Unethical: (adjective) An action or conduct which violates the principles of one or more ethical systems, or which is counter to an accepted ethical value, such as honesty.
December 18, 2007 at 2:47 am
dee, a&v [your second dear message!], & anon, thank you guys so much for writing! i feel i’m floating in female sympathy, and it feels better than being trapped in performer’s lies. it truly does make me feel so much better to hear from you.
i have much more to post, but i like having this ‘Lies, Lies, Lies’ headline so visible!
December 18, 2007 at 3:01 am
I agree that it would at least have been courageous of him to tell you his plans when they were unfolding, rather than sneaking around and trying to cover his tracks with (in retrospect, so don’t be hard on yourself about this) paltry lies! I hope your justifiable anger will help propel you to neutral ground, and the chance to find someone less deceitful, and more compatible and stimulating.
Of course the chances of a happily ever after for him, given this turn of events, are miniscule—no doubt, all the things that bugged him about his wife, and vice versa, will manifest themselves before very long. And he’ll deserve all that, and more, even though such young children as his shouldn’t have to endure such things.
Here’s one violinist who doesn’t deserve any encores!
December 18, 2007 at 3:04 am
My mother had a very charming word for men like that. But she taught me to never use it in public. I am sorry the Performer turned out to be exactly that; a bad actor.
December 18, 2007 at 4:01 am
sorry to hear it mimi. but glad he didn’t succeed in engaging you in the tgiving lie– you showed good sense then + clearly will be better off w.out this creature.
December 18, 2007 at 4:07 am
Good riddance! I too send long-distance hugs and solidarity. I’ve never quite been certain what the term “four flusher” actually means, but Performer certainly seem to fit the bill. Or how about “weasel”? I hope this jerk fades into the background asap. And that you find a TRUE “serious” relationship on the internet!
December 18, 2007 at 6:02 am
Unbelievable. I am so, so sorry. You were the happy exception that proves the rule — someone who (seemingly) had found something really good — and are an inspiration in so many ways. And you are also someone who deserves something really good. What a sicko manipulator that man is.
December 18, 2007 at 8:00 am
Mimi,
I’m so sorry to hear about this. I do think though that going out with a man not yet divorced was a bit of a red flag from the start, as was the fact he slept virtually naked next to his ex-wife whilst you two were together. That just didn’t make any sense to me at all. Sometimes we gloss over things that are obvious just because we don’t want to believe them. Yet, I know that you’re a decent and honest person and I find it a real shame that Performer couldn’t be equally decent and honest with you from the start. Obviously he was enjoying the ‘new sex’ too much and didn’t want to have to lose that by just being straight with you about the situation with his ex. I believe that it’s perfectly possible to hold down two loving relationships if both parties are on side and it’s honest. Performer wasn’t honest though and he knew that eventually you were going to get hurt and knowing that makes me feel terribly sad. I hate to say it but what an a**hole.
December 18, 2007 at 12:28 pm
yes, yes, yes to all; and thanks so much. kanga, according to wikipedia, a 4-flusher is “a person who makes empty boasts or who continually lies’ — it fits. suz, you’re right on the mark: he didn’t want to lose the ‘new sex’ although ‘he knew that eventually [i] was going to get hurt’ — exactly. certainly true of thursday night, when he was gearing up for the private school applications all day friday….
December 18, 2007 at 4:32 pm
I know it probably won’t make you feel any better but any man who would treat you that way isn’t treating his ex wife or whatever she is any better. He was basically cheating on both of you with the other one. Sorry to be so simple but he is not a nice man. And I feel more sorry for his wife than you … at least you know the truth and you are free of him and can go on with your life to find a nice, decent man. That woman is stuck with him because her self-esteem is too low to move on. Good riddance for you … you deserve much better and you’ve learned a valuable lesson you can take into the future.
December 18, 2007 at 6:23 pm
Oh sweet Mimi! Ugh! That’s just so frustrating! We want so much to be able to trust and love someone openly and freely, and when something like this happens, it becomes so hard. But I can tell you’re a strong person and will recover. Because I’m “Ms. Silver-lining”, I will say how happy it makes me to read through these comments and see all the wonderful support everyone is sending your way. On the other side, can you imagine all the “bad vibes” headed Performer’s way? He’s got some bad karma in his future for sure. Take care!
December 18, 2007 at 6:48 pm
michele & melissa, thank you so much. truly, all this support from the blogosphere feels more than virtual. it really does; it has carried me through the day so far.
December 19, 2007 at 12:22 am
Wow Mimi! I miss one day’s post and what happens? The world goes to hell in a handbasket! This is unbelievable. I knew something was fishy when he kept sharing his bed with the (almost) ex, and I hate him for saying you shouldn’t have gotten involved with someone who wasn’t yet divorced. The only honest thing he’s said, really, but uncalled for just the same. And fuck him for dangling the expensive jewellry idea in your face as a diversion too. Kudos to your daughter for sensing that something wasn’t right at Thanksgiving. It would have been so much more disgusting if he had dragged his kids to your place as well. I can’t believe he had the balls to show up at all. I’m sending virtual hugs and chocolate. I say give up the yogurt for a day and indulge yourself…you deserve it.
December 19, 2007 at 12:58 am
thank you, youngatheart. yes, things have been hopping here in sexagenarianville! i really appreciate all your comments and accept both virtual hugs and virtual chocolate. i did give up the yogurt today — too cold here — and had homemade vegetable soup. so much more to post about over the next few days! — mimi
December 19, 2007 at 1:30 am
Mimi, you write:
Joanna told him she was surprised such a “serious” relationship could be found on the Internet.
Yes indeed! Imagine: a real person, not just sex-for-pay, “found on the Internet”!
But not serious enough, apparently, to be treated with honesty, decency, integrity.
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Food for thought. This raises an interesting point. Was it a “serious” relationship, as Joanna says? Clearly, for Perf (or let’s call him Perv), it was not. So it is ambiguous as to what he was telling his friends. Was it semi-serious? Were you in reserve in case his wife ditched him? Who knows.
As I have said before, I harbor a big distrust for the internet dating thing, and am always surprised that anyone finds success at it at all. There is zero context, zero fabric — people can withhold tons of information and present themselves any way they please. You don’t have friends or work or anything in common. The medium is the message. It just turns social norms on their head.
Also, it is hard to believe this guy is a good husband. What is he doing going out trolling for other women!?! Yet again, however, he has a long history and context and familiarity with his wife. It never surprises me that someone chooses to stay with the long-term spouse vs the new person. I think it’s how the brain works.
So sorry. This really sucks in every regard.
December 19, 2007 at 1:50 am
i think the quotation just shows joanna’s ignorance of the internet. i don’t blame the method. and as i’ve said in a number of posts, i always end up meeting people who know people i know, people from the same kind of context(s) i come from. will tell the story of performer and his wife is another post: so much to post, so little time! i’ve been living through Lots of material….
December 21, 2007 at 10:39 pm
i was going to ask if you’ll be referring to him by another nickname???
i usually resort to A**hole.., simple but says it all!
hope you are recovering…don’t mean to make light…i find the recovery from deception and lies absolutely soul destroying.
you question everything because you wonder how you could be so wrong.
by the time i finished with my ex…if he told me the sky was blue, i’d have to go outside and look up to check for myself!!!
December 21, 2007 at 11:15 pm
i do have a name i’d like to use, but i feel i’d have to go back to every post where he was mentioned and put it in there — too much work. but i’ll save it for the novel! know exactly what you mean about ‘wondering how you could be so wrong’ — just what i’m doing now.