my mother again

Next to a largish framed color photograph of her late cat, my childhood cat, who lived 1959 - 1976, on a shelf between two windows, my mother kept a large framed color photograph of my ex. Not my ex and me — just him, his head, a pretty good picture, photographically and aesthetically, that I took in 1981.

This is 2.5 years after the end of the marriage.

On the table next to her bed, she had a large framed color wedding photograph of us from 1984.

* * *

She doesn’t any more!!

I don’t know if she has noticed, but those pictures aren’t there now.

I stole them in late May or early June. I was clever enough to move the other pictures near them around a bit, so there was no glaring gap.

She hasn’t said a word about their absence: has she not noticed? or has she noticed, figured out who took them and why, and decided not to fight that battle?

I don’t know.

I’m planning to give them back — not any time soon, but some day. To be precise: I’m planning to give the frames back, but with pictures of Performer and me. Not wedding pictures, of course ( 1) his divorce is still a work-in-progress; 2) I don’t think either of us is interested in marriage — why would we be? I get bad vibes just from the thought. We’re happy and fine as we are. At our age, it’s good to live in ’sin’), but some photo in which we both look good. Digital cameras make it much easier to get two or more people looking good in the same pic.

She’ll be surprised when she gets the frames back that way, because I suspect she doesn’t even miss the originals.

* * *

I told her about Performer sometime in August. She didn’t have too many questions and didn’t even appear very interested. She began referring to him as ‘your gentleman friend,’ as in, ‘Oh, you’re going to visit your gentleman friend for the weekend?’

Then I showed her pictures of him, crude print-outs of web-based photographs. She didn’t make much comment beyond ‘Oh.’

But this afternoon, when I told her he’d be at the birthday dinner I was planning for her, she said, ‘Oh! It’s serious!‘

ME: Of course it’s serious! I wouldn’t have told you about him otherwise.

MY MOTHER: How serious is it?

ME: I’ll never be introducing you to anyone else.

MY MOTHER: Oh! are you going to get married??

ME: No. Why would I want that? Anyway, he’s not divorced yet.

MY MOTHER: Why isn’t he divorced?

ME: He’s in the middle of it.

MY MOTHER: Oh.

* * *

So now I’m imagining the first meeting. Should Performer be presented to my mother and my two children all at once? shouldn’t he meet them first separately? or will the birthday dinner, an informal occasion with just the five of us, be all right? or should I invite my mother’s college roommate, a close friend she still sees often, to mute any family tensions? would that make it easier for Performer, or for that matter easier for everyone else? maybe he should meet my mother just by herself sometime before then?

I don’t know.

I think maybe I should invite the roommate, because with six people there can easily be two conversations going at once, and that will make things less formal. But he’d be the only man with five women…..However, he likes women…

Not sure how to manage this. Wish we could dredge up another man from somewhere, a quiet one who could just add a little more masculinity to the group.

* * *

When my mother asked me how I met him, I said — quickly and vaguely — ‘through friends.’ If I tell her the truth, she’ll ask a million questions about internet dating, which she’ll probably think dangerous, in spite of the fact that she’ll see at once that Performer is a mensch. And then I’ll have to tell her my whole dating history, or some of it, just to assure her that the process is safe. Do I want to go there??

My children won’t care, because they’re used to this: my ex met his new partner (new as of two years ago) through the internet. So that’s another issue I’ll have to consider.

I have a friend through whom I conceivably could have met Performer, but it’s possible that my younger daughter may run into him, and I’d have to tell him that I told a lie (or is it a fib?) involving him.

O what a tangled web we weave…

* * *

Maybe he should meet my children first also, but I’m not sure how. If he could meet each person separately, one at a time, that would be easier, I think.

Oh well, Performer is very at home in the world. He’s used to — well, he’s used to performing, to put it simply, and he’s not at all shy. He’s very charming. And they all have the same politics and some overlapping interests ( my mother & Performer: anti-Bush, tennis on television, and — well — ummm — I’m not sure what else; New York, I guess, and me; my children & Performer: lefty politics; the arts; stuff — I guess).

* * *

I’d better make sure the food is very, very good.

* * *

I have about five weeks to worry about these things.

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