feast or famine in the dating world (a final conversation with Man 1); and the implications of global warming for dating in new york

So there I was, today, Thursday morning, sitting at my desk not doing the work I was supposed to be doing but rereading and rereading my print-out of Performer’s latest email (we spoke on the phone Wednesday afternoon, about 12 hours after our date ended [4 a.m. Weds], and he also called before that, when I was on a subway, so now I have his voice in my cell phone), and getting excited and hot and also happy etc. etc. — WHEN who should call but Man 1?!

His voice was beautifully sexy and deep. It was a complete surprise to hear from him, because — although Mon night late, the end of our date, to Thursday morning early is not so very long — I thought I wasn’t going to hear from him again. After a few funny exchanges — and there’s no such thing as ‘perfunctory’ conversation with Man 1, because he is All Banter — talking to him requires energy; it really is like ping pong or something, lots of quick, light back-and-forths — anyway, as soon as he said something about going out again, I — now what words did I use? Something like this, I think:

[Man 1], I know you’ll find this hard to believe, but the very night after I went out with you, I went out with someone else, and — I don’t think I’m going to be dating anyone else now
or was it I think things are going to get serious
or did I say It was just a first date, but I think it’s going to be my last first date.

In a tone that was not the slighest bit peevish, but was in fact a bit amused, but also emphatic, Man 1 said something like, So you’re rejecting me. You said you’d be disappointed if we didn’t have a second date [he had actually asked me that question during! our first date, would I be disappointed if he didn't ask me out again, and I answered honestly, yes I would] and now you’re rejecting me.

Me: Oh dear!

We talked on for a while, maybe about 8 or 9 minutes total, because there was clearly still a strong attraction. I still felt it in his voice, and we both felt it, I know, in our exchanges. He is absolutely directly sexual like no other man I’ve dated, and what some might call crudely sexual in his vocabulary. I liked that about him, and he knew it, especially the way that he mixed words like ’suck’ in with otherwise ordinary words and syntax. He was hilarious to talk to. One part of the conversation went something like this:

Man 1: Now I’ll never hear what kinds of noises you make.

Me: I could tape them for you.

Man 1: Or I could hide in the closet.

Me: That’s an idea!

Man 1: Does it turn you on to think of someone hearing you have sex?

Me: The idea of sex in a closet turns me on more. You know, a really small space…

Man 1: No….

Me: I really like the idea of sex in a supply closet. You know, all those pads of paper and ink cartridges…

Man 1: What does he do?

Me: He’s a [performer]. (I told him P’s actual profession.)

Man 1: That’s the second time I’ve lost a woman to a [performer]!

Me: You could explode Lincoln Center??

* * *

And later:

Man 1: You couldn’t fuck two men at the same time?

Me: I could, and I have, but I don’t think I want to now.

* * *

I reminded him that I passed his building every day on my exercise walk, so maybe I’d bump into him, and he said, Well, if you ever want to get sucked out, you know where I am. But take a shower first, because I don’t like sweaty women.

* * *

That’s what I liked (notice the past tense….) about Man 1, that he was 200% sexual in his talk and his interests, hilariously funny but also slightly serious. You may not remember that in our final pre-first-date conversation, he reminded me to bring my toothbrush. On that actual date, we walked directly from the restaurant to his apartment building. No sentence like Would you like to come up for a little while? was ever uttered. As we walked from the glass doors to the elevator, I thought the change of venue and the implicit decision needed to be noted, so I began a sentence with something like, Oh! so we’re…… (it was never finished) and he turned to me and said, You brought your toothbrush, didn’t you?

* * *

I wish I had a tape of our phone conversation just now, because it was bantery but also slightly serious. The strong attraction was still there, but we both knew I wasn’t going to change my mind. At some point, I think, he asked me something to the effect of what Performer did that he didn’t do, or did I take off more clothes for Performer than I had for him — something like that.

And I answered — well, let me say this, that sprinkled throughout our conversation was my praise of him (Man 1). Some good intuition led me to tell him, every now and then in our last talk, that I really liked him, that I thought he was sexy, that I had had a wonderful time on our date, that I thought he was hilariously funny (and really, in his own way he is as funny as Rolly, who is much dryer and a million times less sexual in his wit, or only obliquely sexual, whereas Man 1, as you can no doubt tell, is Frankly sexual), and to ask him several times, Where were you in February, when I didn’t have a single date??

–in Europe, he said, for two weeks

So of course I asked, And the other two weeks???

And then again, And where were you in March when I only dated one person?

At any rate, to answer his question about what Performer did that he didn’t do, I just said that it was all a complete surprise (not entirely true — it wasn’t a complete surprise — to be more accurate, it was a lucky fulfillment of my strong hopes), that it had all come about fairly quickly, but that I could tell it was going to be serious. I then said that I had thought that what he and I, Man 1 and I, had had in store was probably a very good but shortlived fling. I can’t remember the precise wording of his response, but he implied that it might not have been so short. And then, I guess to save face, he implied that somehow I thought, or Performer had hinted, that he was going to propose marriage, and that’s why I had chosen him.

Either I was unable to persuade Man 1 that that wasn’t the case, or he didn’t want to believe that ‘marriage’ had nothing to do with it. The length of our conversation had made it clear that I still found him very attractive, but that I didn’t want to go out with him. And we both must have gotten some little thrills from our sexy exchanges.

* * *
He said he was moving me from his A list to ‘Historical Archives’!!

Funny guy. And very nice body and great face and smile.

And he asked me to get back in touch if things didn’t work out with Performer…the same open-ended good-bye as S.

* * *

If you’re wondering, as you might be, and as I was wondering myself, why when there was still palpable attraction I didn’t decide to out with him, I’ll tell you the reasons:

My relationship with Performer is deepening every day, even though we won’t see each other again till late July — in fact, four weeks from today, perhaps from this very moment. We spoke on the phone within 12 hours of parting and emailed each other once, and it was a second, warmer email I was reading when Man 1 phoned. I’m thinking of him all the time, and I’m sure — without anxiety or insecurity or doubt — that he’s thinking of me.

How can I be so sure, when his very first email to me was sent 6/20/2007 5:49 pm, not quite one week ago? That was in response to one I sent him, but it was one of those casting-out-randomly messages internet-daters send in bunches of 3 or 4 or 5 in the hope that someone will write back and something will come of at least one of these messages. I didn’t have any more hope for or bigger expectations of results from the message to him than I had for any of the others; if anything, probably less.

But I got a sense of his character, or what I believe is his character, in our first and second pre-date phone conversations, and seeing, meeting, talking to, getting to know him confirmed that first sense. I would be very surprised if he were thinking of dating other people, planning other dates etc. now. Of course it’s possible, but it’s highly unlikely (AND — he’s in the ‘rural hinterlands’ of a neighboring state, as I’ve mentioned in a few posts, so it’s quite unlikely!).

And so I feel already a fidelity to him. To feel that doesn’t mean that I’m not attracted to any other man, or that he might not be to some other woman; but it means I’m more attracted to him.

And I know this, because I’ve been in this situation before (remember: at 60 you have so much past!) that if I were to go out with Man 1 now, although I’d enjoy the first part of our date, when it came to sex, I’d feel bad and guilty before it even started. I’d be thinking of Performer. I wouldn’t enjoy anything; quite the contrary.

And most important of all, I wouldn’t want to have that secret from Performer. I wouldn’t want to have done something like that at this very early stage of things. One of the things I liked best about Performer, one of the most endearing things about him and about our time together, was how much my attentions to him, my interest in him, our attraction, seemed to mean to him emotionally.

* * *

So that’s my decision.

* * *

But curses on feast-or-famine!! how badly I needed someone exactly like Man 1 this past winter, and how much pleasure I would have gotten from him.

Why can’t the men get active sooner in the year?

Hey, maybe global warming will change that!

So the human race will die off from water-shortages in a century or so, but in the meantime there will be this side-benefit, that in this latitude and longitude the dating wave will start sooner, and women in New York will for that brief phase in the planet’s history be able to enjoy in March and April, maybe even February toward the end of human history, the great FEAST of men that now they have to wait till May and June for.

* * *

I have spoke.

* * *

Explore posts in the same categories: bodies, eccentric 60+ jewish men, first-date restaurants, first-dates, match.com, the taxonomy of dating